Shifting Gears
by misandry5ever
Summary: Drabble. Ron/Hermione post-war. Hermione's first attempt at teaching Ron to drive and why they don't try again for sixteen years.


"It's not a Broomstick, Ronald. Hands farther apart."

"I_ will_ if we start _moving_ somewhere instead of just—"

"You have to learn the proper mechanics of this car before we even start the engine, otherwise you're going to run over a group of poor, unsuspecting muggles before you can say, 'You were right again, darling, as always.'"

"I run over a group of muggles, possibly maiming some of them for life, poor sods, and you're worried about who has the upper hand? That's awfully _callous_, Hermione."

"I see you've learnt a new word."

"I…well, it was on your calendar-of-the-day whatsit."

"Right. Now, remind me what we do before we start the car, again."

"Stretch the seat as far back as humanly possible, ensure a midget hasn't been using the rearview mirrors before me, seatbelt, wank the wanker into reverse—"

"You are a child, Ron."

"Don't act like you haven't had the same thought. You literally have to jiggle it to get it to move properly."

"Yes, well, that's only because this car is rather old."

"I wouldn't know by the design, but clearing the mothballs from the interior did make me a bit wary."

"We'll talk about getting you a BMW 3 once you've gotten your license."

"Pardon?"

"Exactly."

"…Right, so the next step is to put the key in the…admission."

"You knew that was wrong before you said it. But yes."

"Now wank it into drive?"

"No! You wank it into reverse!"

"But I'm _driving _the car. I don't understand."

"You're driving it _backwards_, Ronald. Out of a parking space. Ergo, you shift the car into reverse to go backwards. And what do we do when we go backwards?"

"We check our rearview mirrors."

"Yes. We do. We check extensively, before we shift anything…what are you smirking at?"

"Irish slang, never mind. Right, I'm checking extensively behind me, gently nudging the shift stick into reverse, all while keeping my foot on the brakes."

"Yes! Good Ron! Okay, you can slowly ease up on the breaks, using a care and delicacy you would only reserve for one of George's, erm, toys—"

"I'm letting that one slide, mostly because I can't begin to explain the depths of my horror. Okay, I'm slowly letting up on the breaks, applying gentle pressure to the other thing, what about my hands?"

"Keep them where they are, don't—what are you doing? Ron, turn the bloody wheel!"

"…."

"…"

"Well."

"I'm not confounding any muggles today, that is all on you."

"Ah. Well. We're both safe, and that's what matters. And no one was in the other car, so….all things considered…"

"_I'm _safe. I'm not sure where you plan on sleeping tonight, though."

"You didn't tell me I had to turn the wheel!"

"No, I falsely assumed you had some semblance of common sense. How wrong I was."

"Fine. I'll sleep in the car. I've named her Madame Rosmerta and we're going to be very happy together. I'll need that ring back, as I'm proposing to her—are you laughing?"

"No. There was something in my eye."

"You are! You're laughing! You think I'm adorable."

"I think you're another word that begins with the letter 'a', Weasley."

"Do we have to wait for the muggle poh-lease now?"

"Yes. The police. Remember, they're sort of like aurors. And they'll throw you in muggle Azkaban if you don't cooperate! No trial or anything."

"…Really?"

"Mmm."

"I don't believe you."

"Fine, test it for yourself."

"…"

"…"

"Merlin's balls, muggles are barbarians. How long do we wait?"

"Their idiot detectors aren't as advanced as ours, so it could be days."

"We'll have to disrobe immediately for warmth, then."

"I am not _shagging _you in this car, Ron. This is a public lot!"

"See, I say disrobe and straight away your mind goes to shagging! You're lucky I'm marrying you, I don't know who else would take in such a filthy pervert."

"You think I'm still marrying you, then?"

"Very funny."

"…"

"Hermione?"

"…"

"Yes, good joke. Har har."

"…"

"_Hermione_?"

"Have a nice life with Madame Rosmerta."

"Hermione, I'm sorry! I'm really sorry."

"And?"

"And…I'll cook tonight?"

"No, Ron. And?"

"And you're brilliant and I am a useless duffer."

"Well, that's a bit closer."

"And…. I love you?"

"There it is."

"…"

"…"

"Put your hand back where it was, Ron."


End file.
